• letting pedestrians have the right of way
• making eye contact and sharing smiles with a total stranger
• aforementioned smile is most gratifying when shared with another woman, like we’ve bonded somehow
• slowing down in the MAPCO parking lot so the Loomis Fargo man can cross the lot with the loot
• not sitting in the MAPCO parking lot driveway while waiting for my turn to cross 21st, thus letting the woman who rides a tandem bike with her 6 yo son use the sidewalk instead of having to go around me
• not being the first one in the line to turn left from Acklen onto West End (when you’re the first, 1. you run the risk of being hit by the people turning left onto Acklen and 2. the pressure’s on you to make sure you’re over the weight to change the light (or so I believe)

A lot of simple things can start my day off right. That’s pretty cool.

I have to admit, I stare at people a lot. Mostly other women. I’m sure it stems from my own insecurities and perpetuates my paranoia that someone, somewhere is always looking at me, but I can’t help it. Most days, I hide behind my sunglasses, which allows me to glance a little too long to inspect choices in outfits, hairstyles, and such. I feel safe behind the tinted lenses and don’t worry about people seeing me stare.

So its always a little unnerving the first day I wear my regular glasses after having worn contacts and sunglasses for a long period of time. I find myself staring at someone, only to remember they can see me and realize they are challenging me with eye contact. Okay, well, they’re probably not challenging me, but that’s how it feels. Which I’m sure is a reflection of my own guilt on the matter.

Anyway, today is one of those days. I am wearing transparent lenses and will have to be more conscious of my gaze. I guess at least I recognize it, right?

I went out on a limb this morning and purchase a new deodorant. I wasn’t looking for a new one, but this one caught my eye, which speaks to the power of advertising, I suppose. I mean, Secret Platinum and Olay Conditioners? That’s pretty serious. Plus the fragrance is called Velvet Powder. Oooo…nice. I can’t wait to try it.

As much as I know it could suck, I would so love to be a model.

Maybe just once….not for a living.

I was coming back from picking up my dry cleaning and parked in the first level of the parking garage as usual. It is P1 in my building, just underneath the lobby. I had also ordered a rolled sandwich for lunch and needed to go to the Lobby level to get it. I decided to be lazy and take the elevator the one flight up (instead of taking the stairs), but when the door opened, I saw 4 ladies inside who were going to my normal floor, 3.  So, instead of hitting the L button and making the elevator stop on the way up to 3, I just rode it on up and then after they got off, I rode it back down to L.

So, pretty much, I’m okay with knowing I’m being lazy. But I’m not okay with other people knowing it.

Yesterday while volunteering I saw a woman with a shirt on that said “Cancer Survivor” and my recent experience with my aunt sent me into a whole line of morbid thinking. This woman was small, frail, and was walking out of the cancer clinic. So the question that came to my mind was “How does she know she’s a cancer survivor?”. I mean, the only way to really know you are a cancer “survivor” is when you die of something else, right?  I know, this sounds awful. But take the example of my aunt. She found out she had cancer 3 years ago. They went in and got most of it, then did radiation and chemo for the rest of it. She was declared cancer free and went into remission. At that point, I believe she was considered a “cancer survivor”. But then the cancer came back and now she’s passed away. From the effects of the cancer.

I can’t think of how to properly end this post, so I’m just going to leave it at that and see if ya’ll have comments.

I always know I’m afraid when I lock my car doors the second I get in my car, before even putting the keys in the ignition. I did that today at the car wash. I was being lazy, compared to the last few times I’ve washed my car in my driveway, and took it to the do-it-yourself on Charlotte Ave. I was fine until a seemingly-homeless man came up and offered to wash my car for me for “2 tokens”. I guess he can sell them to someone else, I dunno. Anyway, I told him no and he kindly walked away. I finished washing, but it was about 6 o’clock and getting a little dark, so I kept looking around for other people. Nothing else really happened, but the rest of the trip I was a little uneasy. I went to the Kroger on Charlotte after I washed my car and when I got done shopping and got to my car, I did the lock-the-doors-immediately thing when I got inside. I felt kinda stupid, but it was also uncontrollable. There wasn’t even anyone around, but I felt compelled to lock myself in my car.

As I was driving in to work today, I stopped at a light and looked in my rear view mirror. Behind me was a very young attractive black woman with an incredibly dark complexion. I thought to myself, does she ever complain that her skin is too dark? Bear with me here. I realize that sounds like a pretty racist thing to say, but I think I’m going somewhere with this.

If pastey white girls can complain that they are so pale, why wouldn’t it be okay for dark African American girls to think they are too dark? And if that is acceptable, why aren’t there “whiting salons”. Now, I’m sure they wouldn’t be called “whiting salons”, but we have tanning salons for the exact opposite purpose. I know, I go to one. And I go because I’m pretty pale in the winter and like to have some color in the summer. And that’s socially acceptable, but somehow I don’t think the same would be true for this example.

During the first weekend of “Ordinary Heroes”, the Actor’s Bridge/Amun Ra show I’m running lights for, some members of the Nashville Civil Rights Movement came to one of the shows and stayed to answer some questions. Most of them were actually quoted in the play, so it was interesting to meet them.

So, during the discussion, one of the more prominent speakers said that racism is still very present today, and that its even more prevalent than it was in the 60′s and 70′s. The problem with it now is that no one acknowledges the issue and we go about our lives thinking everything is hunky dory. He continued to say that it is up to the adults to lead their children in the right direction away from racism

That got me thinking about my own views on race and racism and I came to a startling conclusion. Sometimes I don’t even know if my own thoughts are racist or not. I mean, I can recognize acts of hatred against members of a different race, but when it comes to my own thoughts, its like I’m not sure if I’m being racist or just sensitive to the other race.

For instance, a great example came about during the Super Bowl festivities. As you are probably well aware, this was the first year that not only one, but both of the head coaches were African American. Now, I didn’t really even think about that until the media made a big deal about it. So then I started thinking, “Is it more or less racist for me to recognize them as the first African American head coaches to reach the Super Bowl, or to just recognize them as two men who have accomplished a great thing? Am I hindering or bettering the passage to anti-racism by acknowledging their race?”

I actually asked my question to one of the members present, after the main panel discussion was over, and I wasn’t very satisfied with his response. He didn’t really seem to grasp that I was asking him to help me make sense of my own perceptions. He just kept saying how the event of 2 black coaches was a big deal because of the strides African Americans have made to be a part of the NFL. So was he saying it is okay for me to recognize their race? If my children are going to learn values from me, and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to think, what happens then?