I had a very strange and vivid dream last night that I thought I would share.

The first moments I can remember didn’t explain a whole lot but I knew I had just given birth to someone else’s baby. As in, I was a surrogate and had successfully delivered their baby. I don’t remember any particular emotions tied to that, except being relieved everything went okay. I really wasn’t even surprised at that part when I was recollecting the dream this morning. I have long felt it may be part of my life journey to someday somehow be a surrogate.

But that’s not the weird part at all. Immediately after that, it was discovered there was a second baby no one knew about. It just kind of fell out into my hands and was small and flimsy, but not frail or fragile. Obviously, there’s very little reality to this situation, but it felt very real and believable.

I brought the infant closer to me and saw it wasn’t breathing. Well you know how sometimes they have to get the gunk out of the nose? I can only guess that’s where this next part came from. The child wasn’t breathing because there was a clothespin-like contraption clamped on its nose. Oh, and it was at this point I also noticed it was a boy. The clothespin was really more like silver tweezers and when I went to remove it, it made a little scratch on the baby’s face. It didn’t cry and I didn’t freak out, I just remember thinking “Oh, I’ve already hurt him!”

But he was fine and I proceeded to start breastfeeding him, which is when my mom said “Good job, hunny”. The last thing I remember was switching sides for him to breastfeed with more congratulatory remarks from my mom.

Yeah.

I’m sure Freud would have plenty of things to say about this one. It was just so amazingly vivid and it left me with an overwhelming feeling of joy and peace. So, who knows what it means. I can’t help but think it is in some way related to the fact I turn 30 tomorrow….but it seems like a good omen, if any at all.

I don’t know how some people do it. I just can’t pour my heart out on my blog. Surely the fear of embarrassment and/or vulnerability that could result is what keeps me from doing so. I guess I also like to maintain the confident image I think I project to most people. As if sharing my weaker moments would make me a weaker person or less respected or even pitied. I really do envy and admire some bloggers I follow for their bravery and candidness. How cathartic is it to put stuff like this down in writing for anyone to read?

I used to be someone who’d look at thin girls and think “Ugh, I hate her! I bet she can eat whatever she wants!” and, I’ll admit, I still get jealous sometimes (who doesn’t!?). Yesterday, though, I learned a good lesson.

I was telling a co-worker about some extra danishes that were left over from a morning meeting and he said “Oh, no, I’m watching my weight. I know you don’t have to worry about that, but I do”. *dramatic pause* Those of you who know my history know how ridiculous that statement is. I wanted to correct him, but he walked away too quickly, so you get to hear it.

Ohhh, mister, you better know that I DO have to worry about and I work hard to stay in shape. The only reason I look the way I do is because I don’t eat danishes, and the like, and I do some sort of workout almost every day. I even tried testing that theory this winter (read: “I stopped working out and ate pretty much what I wanted”) and I easily gained weight. I’ve had to reign it back in to shed those extra pounds and it is a constant battle for me.

So, the next time you get the urge to say something like that to a thin or fit girl, or you get that hateful jealousy that seems to come so naturally to many women, remember that she probably not only works hard for it, but, at the very least, there’s undoubtedly something she still wishes she could change. (The latter half of that may stem from societal pressure, but that’s a topic for another time.)

I have a friend who has dedicated an entire Facebook album to getting older and I’m in it.

I see kids driving cars and wonder if they are really old enough to be driving.

I ice my knees after my non-impact speed walk. But my calves still look HOT.

I scheme how best to pack liquor in my luggage post 9/11 (didn’t start drinking till I was 21 so I’m a little late on this one).

I turn 30 in a little over six months. But I’m okay with that, I think.

Ugh, I hate it when I’ve been eating at a place that served seemingly healthy foods and then find out that they are anything but. The only food vendor in my building is a bagel shop new to middle Tennessee. The bagels themselves are fine, unless you get the one covered in cheese, but that’s to be expected. But “reduced-fat” cream cheese is 5 grams of fat for 1 serving. You might as well splurge for the “full-fat” cream cheese at 7 grams of fat.

But what really kills me are the sandwiches and salads. Just a basic egg sandwich has 20 grams of fat. Add turkey sausage and it’s 24 grams of fat. I would expect the sausage to have more fat than the eggs…..what the hell are they putting in them!?!?

And then the salads…omg. The “healthiest” salad has 38 grams of fat and 330 calories. And that salad doesn’t even have meat on it. Add chicken to it for another 100 calories and 4 grams of fat. The dressing must be the culprit.

Anyway, I guess I won’t be eating on site as much as I’d hoped. The Black Bean Burger from Cheeseburger Charlie’s is sounding better and better with only 1.5 grams of fat. Then I won’t feel bad for adding a slice of cheese!

Tonight rounds up a nice 10 days at home in California with my mom and brother. We had a great Christmas and enjoyed the company of Brett’s boss, renowned New York Choreographer Shen Wei. I learned a few things while he was here. Among them are:

1. I learned how to play real Chinese Mahjong. Not the kind you play online where you match pairs of symbols. Its actually a lot like Gin Rummy, at least the version we played. My mom has an old authentic set of real ivory and bamboo pieces that made the game very entertaining.

2. I am not a Monkey. All the placemats in Chinese restaurants told me I was a Monkey growing up, because I was born in 1980. However, they don’t bother to get into the details of the Chinese New Year and the fact that it is actually in February. So, in fact, I am a sheep. We read stories behind all the signs and I think the Sheep actually fits me a little better. At first I was a little irritated because I thought the sheep would be the herd animal or the “follower”, but I guess that’s a very European interpretation.

3. Our humble Christmas morning ritual is really a special tradition. Shen Wei had never spent a Christmas morning with an American family before and was really very gracious and grateful to be included. It was a bit inspiring to have someone with us who’d never experienced a Christmas morning like that before and gave me a renewed sense of appreciation for my family and our intimate gathering.

This holiday I also got to see 4 movies and I guess I could do a little review of each. Spoilers are guaranteed.
1. “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” – I had my doubts about this one, just due to the obscure plot about a baby born as an old man who ages backwards and gets younger as everyone around him gets old. However, it does star Brad Pitt and that’s usually enough to get me and my mom into a theater. As my mom observed as we exited the theater, the movie had a distinct “Titanic” feeling, since the entire movie is told from the perspective of a old, dying woman. The story unfolds from a diary of Benjamin Button as his life is recounted for us. It plays out exactly as you might suspect, so I guess you could call it predictable. Benjamin is born old, grows younger and younger until he dies of young age as an infant in his lover’s arms. The acting, I will say, was quite good. Cate Blanchett ages well and carries off all stages of her character’s life. Of course, Brad Pitt reverse-ages VERY well. It was a bit difficult to buy into the fact he was a child caught in an old person’s body when he was young, though. The curiousness and youthfulness of a teenager was not visible in his eyes or expressions, but it may have been completely abstracted by the hours worth of makeup he had to don. All in all, it was a slightly above average holiday flick, but nothing I’d demand you go and see before it comes out on DVD.

2. “Slumdog Millionaire” – Unlike the previous movie, this one I demand you go and see. Now. As soon as possible. “Slumdog Millionaire” is also told as a visual flashback but with much more substance and creativity. Jamal Malik is a young Indian man who is about to win 20 million rupees on the Hindi version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”, but who gets arrested after the end of the first episode (which ends right before his last question), being accused of cheating since he comes from the slums of India. He recounts his brutal childhood and teenage years which led him to know the answers to each question as they are presented to him. It is a story of ultimate poverty, liberation , and, ultimately, victory. It is a story everyone should see.

More to come….

Every once in a while I see someone with a Facebook or MySpace status that says “So-and-so is is…” and I always wonder what they mean. In the truest sense, I would interpret it to mean that they don’t really know what else to put or that they just feel like the only thing that described their current state was “is”.

Last night, I almost used “is is…” and now I see a different way it can be used. This posting of status to the open world is freeing, most of the time, makes us feel connected to those we cannot spend time with or those we know only through the web. But sometimes I imagine folks are feeling something or doing something they still cannot broadcast to the world without guilt or shame, or a feeling of too much vulnerability. I have to admit I was a little mopey last night, but I didn’t want to put “is depressed” or “is a little nuts” because no few snippets of words could’ve described everything I was feeling or not feeling. If I was going to put anything about my mood, all I would’ve been able to put was “is is”.

As I was getting off the shuttle the other day I noticed a large Frosty-the-Snowman in the middle of a large bronze statue of children running in a circle. My first thought was, “Aww, that’s cute”. Then I thought “I wonder if they’ve ever put a Christmas tree there”. Then it clicked. Of course not! That’s too “Christmasy” and definitely not generic enough to represent all holidays celebrated this time of year.

But then I thought, is a snowman an less Christmasy than a tree?? I mean, do other religious celebrations include snowmen? Sure, I know anyone can build a snowman, but this was obviously Frosty and that means Christmas, right?

I just received a message from an old college friend with whom I was part of the campus’ Christian group. He is preparing me for a call he’s going to make next Tuesday, asking for a donation to our college chapter now that he is employed by the fellowship and his salary comes from chapter funds.

He said one thing in his message that often bothers me about conversations I have with other Christians. He would like me to donate towards the chapter only if I feel like God wants me to give. So, if I’m not getting any message from God one way or another, I shouldn’t give, right? What if I want to give because an old friend is asking? If God really wanted me to give to the chapter, I wouldn’t even need an email from someone to propel me to do so, right?

I guess the part that bothers me boils down to this: why can’t I take credit for wanting to do something nice for a friend? Honestly, even when I was very heavily into the Christian life, I rarely did things against my will, just because I thought God wanted me to. Certainly a part of me would have to “agree with God” in order to do it. But that part of me still made the conscious decision, so why does some one else get the thanks? If I decide not to give, does that mean God told me not to or that I just didn’t listen?

This goes so much further than this one example. Historically, Christians give God the credit (or “glory”, if you will) for the great, wonderful things that happen to them. But then when bad things happen, it seems that the blame is always directed towards the sin or wrongdoing of the person. If the person gets the blame for bad things, shouldn’t they also get the credit for good things?

Lots of questions, I know. And I can’t say I’ll ever really know the answers, but I’m not content with the ones I’ve been given so far. So, I guess I’ll keep questioning until the answers are irrefutable and absolute.

On a 2nd (or 1st or 3rd) date, don’t mention my obsession with “Gossip Girl”, either the TV series or the books series. Noted.